October 31, 2024

i want to write about halloween
and spooky times
and how much i love
this time of year

but i’ve been dealing with deep dark fears
of genocide
and our complicity in it
and how that makes political fallout
even more extreme
and i just want a candidate i can believe in
or a system i truly think is working
but instead we’ve got

this

[whatever this is
in terms of an american experiment
that probably shouldn’t have been tried
and we should have just left this land
and its people
alone…]

but i’m here
this is a fact
and there’s an ethnic cleansing happening half a world away
that i can see as i scroll in my own warm bed
another fact
and the choice between two candidates
two sides
of the same coin
still factual
and yet
one would bring about fascism
much
much
much
faster
[he has stated this in his plans all along — facts]

so i’m actually
for real
scared
afraid
for my life and liberty

and no, i’m not overreacting

[my favorite time of year
has been ruined by election anxiety
and i can’t even feel that affronted
because so much worse things are happening
all over
everywhere]

so please

vote

October 30, 2024

away from the physical activity
that brings me joy
that saved my life
in more ways than i probably even know
prevented
by pandemic
by fear
by perfectionism
by injury
by overuse
by depression
and i just can’t seem to catch a break
though i’m trying so hard
to take a break
take a break
take a break
so i can get back to it
maybe
again
with the love
and passion
and joy
that i once found

October 29, 2024

i feel bad
for the super creepy spiders
who show up in our house
because i’m so terrified
i just can’t abide
merely having them around

but they didn’t do anything
other than exist in the space i decided
to call my home

it becomes the question of
whether my comfort indicates
another creature’s right to exist
is null and void…

how did we get to a place
that this is happening
all over the planet
with people against people
[and how much of that phobia
is simply manufactured
through hate]

October 28, 2024

rib
out of place
again???

how am i supposed to do
anything
when i’m constantly scared
of fucking up
my whole side
by simply wrapping myself up
in ways i have already done
countless times in the past?

how am i supposed to do
anything
when my body doesn’t even know
how it is supposed to be
aligned?

how am i supposed to do
anything
when i never know
if this pain is bad
or simply residual
recovery
pain?

[pain is my sole indicator
that something is wrong,
but i never ever know
if the pain is a warning
a crisis
or simply part of being…]

October 26, 2024

a dream
of mine
is to coax a cat inside —
any one of our outdoor cats
whom i feed daily
and try to get them used to me
by standing
and waving
and saying
“i love you”
every time they so much as glance at me

and yesterday
i did it!

[but now we have to deal with an un-neutered male cat
with potential fleas…
but at least i have a friend who works with felines like this
and can help with all the
meds
and fostering
and surgeries

10 out of 10 friendship]