‘you’ve already survived all your worst days’
could be so helpful
so hopeful
but to me/to my always overthinking brain, i wonder if i haven’t
if i’m somewhere deep in my mind, and i’m actually unsurviving,
or if that just means that the ones i have survived
have been pieces of cake compared to
what’s coming
what’s coming,
and also, i tend to compare
i try not to, but it’s what my brain does
automatically
without me asking
and my worst day felt so bad in my mind
but there are others who have had to deal with external worsts
and they are going through that literally daily
as my country continues to aid the perpetrators
sending money and explosives to a country
that literally doesn’t need it
so why are we still providing
pieces of other people’s
worst days
worst days
worst
days
?
Month: September 2024
September 19, 2024
if only
i wanted things
and then let myself take steps
towards them
~~~
ok
so what about wanting small things
and letting myself lead up to them
and taking those steps
all for me
all for me?
~~~
these morning pages are a bit of a mess
and i’m a bit of a mess
and i’m stressing and stressing
but maybe someday i’ll know what i’m trying to say
September 18, 2024
poem to-do lists
and poem “i love” lists
and very few true poems this morning
but i suppose that’s what these morning pages are for —
just get out of your brain what’s been clogging it lately, and do it
in poetry’s form;
for that is what you love
and what connects you most to the you that you are
and to the you that you’d like to be, even if you don’t know who
that you truly is
yet
September 17, 2024
no one
can know everyone
and all we can get is a general vibe
of the wants and desires of a majroity
but when will the majority default to kindness?
and when will those in power listen to the majority anyway?
September 16, 2024
i know the steps i’d take
and the things i’d say
to be mean
but i never say or do them
they remain inside my mouth/my throat/buried deep inside my mind
and though those actions i’ve never taken
and i know i never will,
how come having those thoughts alone makes me feel like
the worst person who has ever lived?
[i know i know the point is
we cannot control our immediate reactions/thoughts/feelings,
but what we can control —
and what shows the merit of a person —
is how we act on them, but i guess i just want to be so good of a human
that i never have human feelings
ever]
September 15, 2024
really
poetry can be whatever we make of it
whatever we want it
to be
but
i’ve spent so much time
trying to get everything
“right”
in other aspects of art and life
how do i ever make anything
that is just only solely
mine?
September 14, 2024
Friday
the Thirteenth of March
Twenty-Twenty
our tickets to Hadestown
blinked into oblivion
as Broadway shut down
and though a two-week shut-down
then turned to four,
and then a month,
and slowly more,
and our money was eventually refunded,
and vaccines were developed and administered,
and boosters,
and we caught the ‘vid,
and got more shots,
and caught it again,
and a few Friday the Thirteenths passed,
it never felt like the right time
to try again — our luck had been so bad
[as with tv shows we find early on and love,
which end up getting only season one
or season two at best, when we all know the arc started
would account for at least five] so kip and i stayed away
from part of the reason we moved here anyway —
seeing only shows when we could get last-minute tickets
from other people:
A Strange Loop
because the original ticket owners caught the pandemic sickness
[remember, just because there’s a vaccine for a rapidly mutating virus
doesn’t mean the pandemic is over,
remember, remember, remember, please];
Cursed Child
because our friend is in it and can give us comp tickets
so we don’t give that terf any any any of our money;
plus a few non-Broadway shows
still bought not at all in advance
because we remain so scared
of getting our hopes up
and having them dashed
but a week before this Friday the Thirteenth
of September this time
in Twenty-Twenty-Four this time
we agreed
to finally see
Hadestown
and while it wasn’t what we expected,
it was still spectacular
[with spectacle being something
integral to the Broadway experience, and done very
very well
and very in-the-story for this tale to tell]
and the talent amazing
and a few songs still stuck in our head
and it does feel like some sort of an end to an era
but maybe, better yet, a beginning
to exploring what other theaters have to offer
without feeling the heavy hand of a made-up curse
behind
us
September 13, 2024
other people take things for granted
by expecting them to be there
with no active effort
my taking something for granted
is expecting it to be there
with no active fear
September 12, 2024
was i a kid
who got lost in the cracks
or did i fall through a very deep
very obvious
hole
in my [parents’] social sphere?
and is that why it’s so hard to count on community now?
September 11, 2024
blanket cat
blankets me with all of her
over my lap
dripping down my leg
covering all she can cover
in one tiny cat body
the opposite of loafing
she liquifies and spreads out
and blankets herself
over
me
~~~
blanket cat, also because
the minute you have a blanket on your lap
she cannot resist
the draw
of a comfy place to sit
~~~
poor little puppy ear
did nothing to the dog who was near
but something happened
and the bite landed
and now a little notch is part of our Comps’s visage
poor little puppy ear
poor little puppy
you don’t deserve this pain
or fear
or anything bad
but at least your cute scruffy ear is going to look
so adorable with a tiny notch on the side
[the one piece of solace
we have to hang on to]