windshield wipers
swipe the gentle drizzle
away from my sight
as i try to listen
and hear
and absorb
and accept
this love coming at me from the passenger side
but it’s hard when your own brain gives you ways
to always counter with absurd logic
anything better than
utter self-hatred
but i’m trying
i’m trying
i’m trying
thought i’d write about yesterday
yesterday
at night, as a meditation
a mullination
on happenings and debriefings
and chill-times
but instead it was
two denny’s-es in one day
and conversations and wonderings
and connections and
i think that’s exactly what i needed
yesterday
how much of me is my poetry
and how much of me is
not?
everything last minute
every moment panic
but this is how i was trained
in the trench warfare of
gifted-kid-with-undiagnosed-adhd
late nineties
so much i could be/should be doing
but i’m not doing
i’m not doing
instead i’m exhausted
i’m last-minute-ing
i can’t even tell if i’m
excited
or apprehensive
but i keep going
somehow
somehow
i keep going
once upon a time
[like maybe a year or so ago]
i started writing poetry
based on prompts
to try to train my mind
to come up with the kinds of lines
that would work in a
park-based
typewriter-written
pay-per-poem
endeavor
and i stopped because
i don’t know
i guess i assumed i’d never be quite
good enough
but hey
it gave me different poems
than writing about writing about writing
every morning
so maybe
poemtober
[poem-october]
will be a boon
for my own brain
and feeling stuck in cycles
of poetry
for poetry’s
sake
damn
i’ve been daydreaming
in prose
can i say
we’re friends
in every lifetime
if i think
this is my only one?
the disappointment i feel in my own government
in my own daily interaction with the people of this country
or even the world
maybe i should start writing fiction more
just to be able to be around the people i enjoy
and in spaces where i’m not
constantly hounded by the existential depression of
“this could be so much better
but it just
isn’t”
too small, our silly costumes
for our cat and our dog
but i think that was all they had for the taco cat [dog]
but the shark, there were definitely other sizes
so i guess
let’s
run back to the pet store and pick up a large
for our comps chomps to chomp at for Halloween
kipventures 