August 21, 2024

the first sip of coffee
creates quite the placebo effect in me —
i know my genetics don’t react that much
to caffeine
nor could the actual waking effect
happen while the liquid
is still in my mouth, but damn
simply tasting
and swallowing
this delicious brown bean soup
kicks my awareness
into overdrive
and i actually feel
kinda awake and alive
for the first time
the first moment
in the day

August 20, 2024

picking fresh figs out of our home fig tree
happy to be home
happy to be home
drinking our tap water
that even after ten days stuck in the pipes
tastes better than the liquid calcium i had
all last week
happy to be home
happy to be home
being able to control the internal temperature
of a whole house,
hearing no upstairs neighbors,
eating fresh fresh bagels every morning,
the ability to travel
without driving and driving and driving,
just being around our own stuff
and spaces
and our animals
finally
sated
[the puppy even got to sleep in our bed with us
last night]
happy to be home
happy to be home
happy to be home

August 19, 2024

i didn’t take many photos on this trip
and i can’t tell if that was thought out
like ‘i want it to feel as though
this isn’t a special trip
it’s just like i still live here
still work here
still live and breathe this tiny bubble of a city’
or if it was a lucky happenstance
of ‘i’m having so much fun
catching up
being with these lovely people
once more, i didn’t even think of
taking a photo
to solidify this moment in time’
but either way
the few photos i have are special
but don’t have the people in them
i wish they had
but i still have the memories
of all the time i spent with
everyone

and i miss them all already

August 18, 2024

writing my feelings away
while trying not to feel them
will never work,
but i have to drive hours and hours and hours today
maybe even through the rain
and it’ll be dangerous to do that with
tears in my eyes as well,
so i’ll try to express what i can express
and leave the true unpacking and analyzing
and feeling
for another day.

August 16, 2024

pretend
for a moment
you don’t know where you came from
or to what you’re going
or even any established rules
about your own identity
or the world at large and little
and you go to craft a poem —
would you know what words to use
would you innately be aware of rules and parameters
poetry has to work around and within
or would you just write what was in your soul
even if the words in your soul had no words at all?

and would that still be poetry?

[i think so]

August 14, 2024

driving past places
i’ve driven past
hundreds of times
and to see so many
unchanged
still there
on that road
made me feel
almost like i’m unchanged
and i’m still the me
from five years ago
living in madison
living for the now
and the potential
to make it as an actor
in nyc

what was i placed on this planet to be?

August 13, 2024

it’s only tuesday
though i feel the week falling away from me
it’s only tuesday
and there are still people i have to see
i have to see
who haven’t yet made plans to see me
it’s only tuesday
and i keep second guessing when to reach out
to other friends
to plan out
how to meet
it’s only tuesday
and madison is a lazy summer town,
a last-minute plans
when plans suddenly line up
and nights are made bright
and lasting memories
sidle up with the present
kind of tiny city
so i need to remind myself
it’s only tuesday
it’s only tuesday

August 12, 2024

the double take of everyone
seeing me at a party full of madison circus folk;
the “ah, yes, hj is here.”
and then
“wait! hj is here!?!”
was delightful
and though i do feel a little guilty
for being less than communicative
about this trip
and planning next to nothing,
i do appreciate
how beautifully the first day
embraced my entrance
with spontaneity
and perfect timing
[and i have a premonition
that the last day will be similar
but with the theatre friends
instead]

[i suppose my advice to anyone
traveling back to a place they once
lived, is to make sure it just so happens
to take place over the time of
important and casual parties
for your former social circles,
because you get to see all the faces
without trying to schedule everyone in

and then maybe, in a week or two, send a
huge thank you card
to the hosts of said parties
because the appreciation that
that all worked out will carry you into
the next
few
years]