April 30, 2024

the drive to write is strong —
but what to write about
never seems to come along —
like i’m sitting at a type-writer
or a pen and paper notebook
and i am hovering above what
could very well be brilliant
imagery/alliteration/metaphor
and simile and allegory all
stuck together, but instead my
pen/finger tip just shudders,
the ache of keeping it up
too long as i wait, the heaviness
of the potential i feel in my
body mind and soul too much
too much for one little
writing utensil/blank screen
to hold, so instead i write
about nothing, i write about
wanting to write, i write over
and over again meta poems that
never seem to come to any sort
of fruition or resolution or
conclusion, and i continue
to write and write and write

and here i am again…

April 29, 2024

i often joke that
any chaotic,
multi-tonal,
polysymphonic
music
is what it is like in my head.
but
if i were to be honest with myself
and others
i’d have to say that my head,
when left to its own devices,
probably sounds more like static
with waves of frequencies coming in and out
and sometimes the station it catches
is crazy circus music
with too much going on
to hone in on one melody
or instrument
or vibe,
but sometimes
[most of the time]
my head is just catching
little phrases i heard throughout the day
or music from forever away
or a sentence i say
to make myself smaller
and more likeable
by everyone but myself

[what would even be the phrase
that would make me
love me?]

April 27, 2024

just let me write,
brain,
send the right brain in to do its job
leave me left alone, left brain,
except for executive functioning i need
to continue on my path to please
what little remains of the dopamine
in my internal system
so i can be a writer
so i can write as i want to write
i can do it,
i can write it,
right?

April 25, 2024

the beauty
of a soft friendship,
of a tender friendship,
of a caring, loving, beautiful, thoughtful,
gentle
friendship.

we should all have those
and we should all be those
people
to someone
who needs that
friendship.

April 24, 2024

a night without my kip
is like seventy nights with only two hours’ sleep
is like all the comfort of a big bed and no cover for warmth to keep
is like relying on noises to lull you, and finding nighttime in extreme silence
for the first time
ever.

a night without my kip
is not a night of
rest.

April 23, 2024

why is it that
when i am beginning to be social
on the social medias
i get so panicked and stressed and scared?

is the internet —
particularly the portion
with people one already knows —
really that frightful?

April 22, 2024

a very short
writing pages
day

not too many
poems/
not too much
to say

maybe in the evening
there will be more time
to think and write some more
[but by then
we’re writing for a deadline
so…]

April 21, 2024

the consequences of adhd
[or even maybehd]
are incredibly frustrating
because
i have no one to blame
but me,
and i want
so desperately
to blame somebody
[because it never works out the way i dream,
but sometimes it does get better than it initially seemed…]

it’s all a wild ride and a complete surprise
with maybe-ad-hd