jazzy soundtracks
to lull my brain into awakeness —
to hold my body close
and warm it with the heat
of brass and dancing bodies
in that way that only jazz can
in that way that i only want jazz to
hold me
wake me
warn me of the world
and hold me when the world is too much
and let me know exactly what that too much is
so i can do something
to change it
[when i am
awake]
Month: February 2024
February 8, 2024
i had a dream
[a stressdream]
[a nightmare really]
where i was back in college
[musical theatre college]
[in canada]
and it was time for some sort of dance critiques
or juries
or something
but it wasn’t 2012
it was now
today
with the coronavirus and everything
and one of my dancemates
tested positive for covid
but still came in
and didn’t even mask
because it “wasn’t a big deal”
because
“everyone will get it a few times anyway”
because
“it’s basically just a cold
and i’m not even showing many symptoms
anyway”
anyway
anyway
[i don’t actually remember everything this person said
because i stopped listening —
i was filled with pure rage
and disgust
and loss
and panic
and i freaked out
and ran far far away
because if i can’t trust those in my own like-minded friend-group
who in the fuck
can i trust?]
i’m still heart-pounding
skin-paling
high on adrenaline
with the crash coming soon
and i don’t know how to soothe
my beat-up nervous system
because real life
isn’t that much
different…
February 7, 2024
is my problem
not
that i’m main-character-syndrome-ing
on my own,
but looking in from the outside
as if others see me
as the main character
and expect my own struggles
to come and go
and be completed
and have a story arc
isolated to a beginning middle and an end
all nicely tied up
when everything is said and done
and i can’t understand how
i’m still living when i’ve already tried
thousands of lives
on stage and off
and how is there still more of me to see?
haven’t i already lived my story?
[there’s more
there’s more
there’s more]
February 6, 2024
our animals
can sometimes be
respectful
of each
other
just sniffs
no snoofs
no chasing
no hissing and batting and growling
every now and then
they have a moment
of potential friendship
February 5, 2024
the simplicity today
is still so simple
it’s not making larger ideas
blossom
in front of my eyes/
it’s making my blood boil and rise
at the fact that i
cannot seem to focus long enough
to make poetry i’m proud of
maybe tomorrow
[maybe even later today]
February 4, 2024
do past poets
ever view todays’
as cheaters?
“i never had rhyming dictionaries
back in my day…”
“the whole of human knowledge
at your fingertips
and this drivel
is what you come up with???”
good thing
i don’t believe in an afterlife
otherwise
i’d be worried
about generations of past poets behind me
judging my work
instead of simply all of humanity
from now going forward…
February 3, 2024
avoiding
what i have to do
by doing
so many things i
should have been
doing
ages ago
eons ago
sweeping the floor
and putting the dishes away
and organizing whole clothing drawers
and nursing plants back to life
and applying for things
and
why does this happen?
why does the looming deadline of one things
encourage all the other
executives to start functioning?
but
but
but
how come i can’t do
literally
anything
without a deadline?
could i please
either
need deadlines to get started on something
or
use looming deadlines to get other things going?
why must i fight against both
in order to do things
i actually
want
to do
???
February 2, 2024
yesterday was
hard
i don’t really know
why
but i got through the
day
and ended up here
today
a little more energized
a little more ready
a little more creatively excited
a little teeny tiny bit happier
[just a bit
just a bit]
February 1, 2024
it’s weird
being self-aware/
being an actor/
creating everything in my mind
for a narrative
others may never see —
because i can feel
the light dimming behind my eyes,
i can hear
the music track slow
and dip in pitch
and distort
and stop,
i can imagine
all the indications
of depression
that would be
if my life were actually
a movie
but it isn’t
and i can fake happiness so hard
even i believe it sometimes
kipventures 