a lot
a lot
a lot
is going on in my mind
is happening outside of my body
outside of my control
outside of my knowledge
and i can’t seem to let go
of the idea that i can (and should) be responsible
for everything
everyone
every action
every reaction
every moment in every time
and every time i remind myself
‘i’m just human
i’m solely mortal
i can’t change the past or the future’
i find a way to find fault in everything i’m saying
to myself
[maybe that’s why i don’t often speak up
when first meeting others —
i’m too busy
telling myself to
shut up]
Month: December 2023
December 10, 2023
i went to a theatrical production last night
a collection of shorts/
staged-reading
written by a friend.
it was incredibly compelling —
so much talent,
such a beautiful person and writer
but
what i will probably end up remembering from that night
is waiting for the show to start, and having no one to talk to
so instead my kip (through text) suggested i write them a letter
and so i did — remembering old letters we’ve written to each other,
times in our lives before we made one singular life together,
and through writing my feelings out, realized just how much i rely on them
[they are, after all, my emotional support kip]
and love them
so
so
so
much.
[i don’t think we had lost any fondness for each other,
but absence sure does make the heart grow fonder —
even if that absence is simply a six-hour excursion to brooklyn]
December 9, 2023
the shuddering of my muscles
behind my right shoulder/
the lats
the connectors
that make my arm
go
the aren’t as annoying
as some flutters
as some spasms
maybe because i can just imagine
they’re my wings finally coming in
December 8, 2023
has wearing masks
in our own space
while others remain
clear-faced
become our new
obviously referring
to each other by correct pronouns
while others misgender us
unknowingly?
December 7, 2023
i’ll deal with it…
…later
i tell myself as i accidentally
log out of
pretty much
everything
i’ll deal with it…
…later
i work with my phone instead
google meet/
zoom/
jitsi/
anything to work out
and not work on
the issues
i’ll deal with it…
…later
i go out
socialize
come home and grab my computer
to work on it
but it’s late
and i’m exhausted
[and maybe drunk]
so i’ll deal with it
later
later
later
i’ll deal with it
later
i pull out my laptop
my computer
my everything
and remember yesterday
and all the laters i stated
and instead of dealing with it right way
i instead write some poetry
first
because
i’ll deal with it
i wil
just…
…later
December 6, 2023
writing and composing
and creating in my mind,
but the connection to getting things
out into the world
is a broken synapse/
a mis-connected wire/
something that somehow doesn’t work
the way i think it should
[the way it does work for so many]
and i feel
closer to fixing it/
finding the connection/
actually getting my feelings
out
than i have ever felt in my life
[crazy what one honest therapy session can do]
December 5, 2023
huge list
yesterday
of course i
procrastinated
things
with other things
but i still got plenty of things
done
and yet i still
still
still feel
unaccomplished
as a human being
[when will this feeling end?]
December 4, 2023
keep going
keep running
someday
you’ll outrun
the pain
and the memories
and the flashbacks
and the reminders
and when you’ve finally gotten far enough away
then
and only then
can you fully feel the feelings without fear
(at least that’s what i hear)
December 3, 2023
to see the patterns of the world
as clearly as if they were marked with neon marker
on a map of time and the universe
gets pretty lonely when you notice
everyone ignoring
the nuclear colored warnings
the radiating signs
for seemingly insignificant reasons
[or huge ones — like giving power to the powerful
the genocidal
the maniacal.]
i don’t understand
not masking
i don’t understand
not demanding a total ceasefire
i don’t understand
not atoning for past mistakes
now that we know so much
better
will we ever learn past the philosophical
and put our thoughts
to action?
December 2, 2023
the focus
is off
it has been
for at least 24 hours
and i can’t tell if it’s sleep-related
or stress
or sadness
or winter weather
or holiday pressure
or whatever
but the focus
is off
the focus
is off
and it’s not seeming
to fix itself
back on
kipventures 