stressors
and calm, collected cuddles
anxiety
and my therapist saying she’s proud of me
worry
and taking every step to see it all through
Month: March 2023
March 10, 2023
writing
but maybe not poetry
(and defs not in the morning)
but here i am, a good little enby
making up for lost hours
writing post-writing
into the document
which will then adjust
and edit
and make it into the wordpress
and then be released unto the [virtual] world
all so i can keep up a streak
/
feel accomplished at something
/
feel more at home in my brain
/
express and share and maybe give y’all something to think about
/
probably other reasons as well
so i guess i’ll leave this here/there
[this un-poem poem]
and go
March 9, 2023
little puppies
just getting the all clear
to walk and run and jump and play
on all four legs
and here comes
a lump
a possible tumor
and why is this perfect puppy
not showing perfection
in her vet visits???
~~~
catching up
with poetry
feels like
catching up
with feelings
with emotions
with processing things
i have a hard time
processing
i suppose
that’s
a good thing
~~~
i starting thinking
in poetry
about a year ago
but today i started
dreaming in poetry
for the first time
(does it [all] mean anything?)
March 8, 2023
experiences
i’ve experienced
have always felt
like i’ve observed them
but when did that change
from dissociation
to pure perception
?
March 7, 2023
when words are your art form
and you have trauma that takes away
the memory centers for language retention
what does that mean for
everything?
March 6, 2023
the problem with leaving
with vacationing
with taking a [much needed] break
is that your whole world
continues on
without you
i want a break
where i can rest up
relax
absolve my mind of all the thinking it does
calm my brain/body/soul until it’s reset
and pick back up from where i left off
but people still exist even when you aren’t around to see them
and systems still continue on in perpetuity
and seasons/entropy/growing/dying/
everything keeps going
even when you are
on your little
break
i just want time to stop
i just want a pause
or a reset button
or rewind
or something
to help my brain understand
what happened over the last 27+ years of my life
because the way i’m going right now
there’s no reason or rhyme or
timing that makes any
sense
and so i keep going
i do not rest
because i know any break i get
won’t actually do
what i need it to
so i keep going
and keep going
and keep going
and that can’t be very healthy
[but i see no other way]
March 5, 2023
the panic in my body
gives way too easily
for how harsh it first appears
i don’t know if the approach is a remnant of
pre-hormone-stabilizing
or childhood trauma
or what
/
i don’t know if the swiftness with which
it all leaves
is some kind of trick my mind has decided to play
but whatever the cause
and for whatever reason
i suppose i’ll take it today
March 4, 2023
have you ever just
sat down and felt
the overwhelming urge to weep?
yeah, me neither…
March 3, 2023
my heart points me towards
the poems i want to write
sometimes i need to just place down
some gibberish at the beginning of a document
to let my heart lead me where it needs
but it always leads me
somewhere
but when my brain wants to poetize about something
and the heart is not at all aligned
every word feels false,
every metaphor forced,
and i leave wondering if i actually
did more damage to the subject
than honor and love and art
i suppose this just means that
poetry, even my own, was always
a heart-driven/emotional act
(and the overthinking can just
stay away while i write,
please!)
March 2, 2023
i stall
and wait
and put off
until it’s been too long
and it would be embarrassing
to point out how long it’s been since we’ve talked
and then i wait just a little bit longer
and maybe, by the time we do
end up talking, it will
simply be a nice
surprise
kipventures 