Month: December 2022

December 21, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i can hold
two things at once
inside

i can be
so joyful
so filled with pride
about the decade we’ve made it
together
against [some] odds
and i can be
swirling with emotions
that the solstice
opens up within me

the world is not black and white
indeed, the shades of grey are not all there is either–
this earth is filled with vibrant color all around us
and the sooner we learn to live with and within it
instead of against it
the closer our peace
will become

[this is not to say i’m fully there
prepared to tell you how to live your life
this poem is a reminder to myself
a coaxing and holding space
for all the strange feelings
that accompany living
and a compassionate share
with anyone else
who needs it as much
as i do
today]

December 20, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

ten years ago
i
was bored at my home

ten years ago
i
felt community thirty minutes away
(at a college i never attended)

ten years ago
i
called out to my friends to see
if anyone would be
excited for me
to come hang out that evening

ten years ago
i
happened to [re-]meet the love of my life
and this time we were both ready
available
and actually looking
pondering each other for
conquest
and connection

but

it is not this day that we count
as our official anniversary

ten years ago today
was a preamble
a flirtation
a stuttering step towards
a beginning

tomorrow
will be the actual anniversary:
that post-midnight
that coming together
that “end of the world”
that, even if it did actually end,
and this is all a simulation in someone else’s head,
at least we got a chance to meet and be together
ten years ago
the best thing that ever happened to me
was
you

and for the past ten years
that has continued
to be
true

December 18, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i keep having ideas
good ideas
great fucking ideas
for poems
and essays
and thought pieces
when i’m on the train
when i’m out walking post-rain
when i don’t have my computer with me
and my words come faster than a notebook would suit me
so i just leave it dormant
in my head
hoping against hope
that it’ll all be there again
when i have my things/solitude/words/supplies
but it’s all lies
i know the words are there
and the concept needs to be shared
i’m just
plain
scared.

December 16, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i have
so many
so much
works
words
on the page
inside the screen
swimming through my head
it’s a wonder
i haven’t lost
all sense
and sensibility
awareness
and awakeness
sanity
and sanitary
self-hood
selfishness
would be writing
only about me
(oops)
but i guess
it’s better
than not having art
around
everywhere

right?

December 15, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

this poetry blog
has become my respite
my sanctuary
from my own perfectionism
and putting too much pressure on myself
in most (if not all other) things

but how do i take the lessons learned
here
and bring them with me
everywhere?

December 14, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i don’t really know
what i’m writing this morning
i just know
i wish i had
some
dopamine/serotonin/anything
to keep me company
through this season

~~~

is my
not having
an up-to-date phone
just a reminiscence of being
four versions out of date
in my aol/internet service
and therefore
a form of
comfort?

~~~

writing poems
and hearing the rhymes
that didn’t make it in
but somehow
making the poem
fuller
is a weird sort of poet magic

December 13, 2022

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i feel unfit for human consumption
like my entire being radiates harmful isotopes
like the population would probably be better off
hiding inside
rather than being exposed
to me

but why
do i identify
as a pariah?

i’ve never really been an overt outcast
even as an awkward teen, i had my people.
the worst things that have ever been said to me
have been directly from me

but maybe that’s what makes
a profoundly isolated child/teen/adult
one where even one’s own solitude
is marred by toxicity
and one can never
truly escape
the bully

i know of others
who have survived egregious bullying
by escaping into their own minds
and imaginations

what happens when the mind
is the worst minefield of all?

December 12, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i miss the person i used to be
i hate the person i used to be
i ache for the life i used to lead
i’m scared of going back to that life i once lead
the flashbacks offer heart-stopping anxiety
the flashbacks offer comfort and consistency
why can’t i ever figure out
what i want
for me?