October 31, 2022

A Sad Halloween

a wide lime green bowl
atop a crimson stool
laying in fun-sized-candy wait
at the end of an un-swept driveway

no human to greet
no calm dog to meet
no new-to-the-neighborhood welcome
because we are inside
up two flights
hoping to not spread our illness
with this holiday cheer we love

it’s the most wonderful time of year
but not for us
this year
not
for
us

(but hey, at least we can get
some joy out of this
silly-goofy
hyperactive
puppy-dog)
(and our lack of brain-fog)

October 28, 2022

a break
a gap
for multiple days
but
i’m not worried
in the way
i have been
because i know
i’m here
and i have things to say
no matter
what

~~~

re-writing history
is the way i deal with
days i couldn’t deal with
the morning pages
or mid-afternoon meditation
or evening ponderings…

simply take the time machine
of your blogging schedule
and post
in the past

(it’s surprisingly
easy)

~~~

(any more to say?)
[anything else to think?]
{or is writing
still coming back
into focus
after a few
days?}

October 25, 2022

ok
let’s see
if i like this new compy
if this keyboard won’t be as hassle-y
if i can get on board creativity
and be
the person
i’ve always wanted to be

~~~

yes
you guessed it
new computer
new keyboard
less doubling of letters
less loss of vowels
less struggle to write
in a way
that others would be able
to see
and figure out
and comprehend
and all that jazz

(oh no
have i relied on that
hassle
to not feel
personally
imperfect???)

~~~

but with a new piece
of technology
comes the premise
of a promise
to keep it up to date
and cleaner
and less crumb-y
and less angry
and i (hopefully)
will fulfill this
better
than in the
(very recent)
past

we’ll see
we’ll see

October 24, 2022

i wonder
if my mother
would have been great
at getting my pronouns
right

would she have stood up for me
at family gatherings
corrected people
when i wasn’t near
would she have been
the ally
i needed
to come out
with a bang
instead of this subtle
exhausting
whispered
coming out
over
and over
and over
again
every time
a ‘she’ is uttered
or a ‘ladies’ is announced
or any of those microaggressions
my gender dysphoria
insists
are actual aggression

i don’t know
i wish i knew
but i really don’t

she was an ally of all queer folks she knew
(I know 100% she’d have been to my wedding
would have celebrated like the world was ending
when she knew mine was just beginning
because that’s just the way she was)
but gender is somehow harder
and the in-between confuses even the best
of allies
and i don’t want to put her up on a pedestal
nor do i want to underestimate her devotion
to a me she never got to see

i only knew her for eleven and three quarters years
and i have memories of less
she is both the person i was closest to
and the biggest mystery of my life

and i just wish
i could guess
what it would be like
to have her
stand up
for me

October 22, 2022

Fauci Ouchie
Rounds One and Two
were
adventures

i didn’t really write
about Booster 1
(would that be Fauci Ouchie Round Three?)
because
i actually felt that one
(just extreme tiredness,
but still)
and
things started opening up
too early
just like i foresaw
and getting the boosters felt
like a civic duty
and the least i could do
and everything
and nothing
and knowing
people weren’t doing it
just felt
like too
much

but now
i’ve Booster-ed twice–
Four Rounds
of Fauci Ouchies–
and i expect to get exhausted
and i expect to feel all the feels
and getting this was a hassle and a half
but there’s no way
i wouldn’t do it
because it isn’t about me
it was never about me
this is about
those folks
who can’t
and those folks
who remain sheltering in place
as people and corporations and governments
alike
decide
any life
is an
“acceptable loss”
and normies decided
that going back to ‘normal’
is better
(and easier)
than what we could be doing–
finding
something
different
and better
for everyone
(as we endure
the global pandemic
that is
STILL
raging)

(and in case you haven’t caught on
from how i put it in the words before
this little parenthetical here,
this poem is about
disabled people,
immunocompromised people,
chronically and currently ill people,
and people who don’t fit our society’s
very limited
standards of
“normal”
who deserve
all the accessibility
that we can ever
give them)