September 10, 2022

will i ever write
anything as honest
in the daylight hours
as i do near midnight
just before
sleep
takes me?

~~~

meditate
on the self
to escape from
the pressures
of the other

(but don’t blame the people–
they’re just trying to survive
just like you–
but how do we escape the systems
that are built
to trap,
hinder,
distance,
and depress
?)

~~~

how well do you know yourself
and your patterns
of self-sabotage?

~~~

these poems are starting to sound
a little angsty
but i swear i’m not in
a teen mood™ —
i’m just trying to find my footing
for a morning
after a morning
away

~~~

i have enough poetry
to always have something new
to slight-of-hand any reader
into thinking
i never miss a day
of writing

but i’m too honest for that jazz
so here i am
keeping my streak
but also writing poems
about skipping days
and i don’t know what that says
about me

(and if i should be thinking about that
anyways)

~~~

interesting
watching oneself
write poetry–
a line i thought
would negate/lessen
the last line
makes it feel
so much fuller
than before

i suppose that’s why i’m out here
writing poetry
every day
for 500+ days
as opposed to
studying
and analyzing
and obsessing
and perfecting
a thing
that comes
from the heart

[perhaps i should take that into account
in other aspects
of my life…]

September 8, 2022

the puppy
and the cat
are not mortal enemies

they may, in fact
simply be
frenemies

(though,
perhaps
that’s all from the cat’s
perspective

the puppy
100% believes
they’re besties

or at least could/should be.)

September 6, 2022

there is a house plant
i was certain was dead
so i tucked it outside
just to get the sadness out of my head

but the plant,
with natural sun and rainwater grew
from the tiniest sickly shrivel
to four full leaves popping through

that isn’t to say
the outside is always a sanctuary
(our peach tree and hydrangea
can attest to that theory)

but i suppose what’s here,
the moral to this story and the full truth,
is that sometimes all you really need
is naturally occurring on our Mother Earth

September 5, 2022

how do i have
so much energy in my mind
to overthink and overanalyze
and ponder every possible situation
and make guesses at past and present and future
and enough energy in my body
to speedwalk past the average New Yorker
take multiple circus classes a day
stretch and handstand and run after trains
but emotionally
i’ve been out of energy
since i was at least thirteen?

September 4, 2022

Hey Void,

How are you?
I’m sorry i’ve assumed
i’d need to scream into/at you
in order to make my way
on the internet/
to stake my claim/
to have some sort of opinion/writing/something
out there…

But if i could get to know you
maybe i wouldn’t feel so self-conscious
about the futility
of all this writing,

maybe my poems
could all be love letters
to The Void.

That is,
if you’ll have me
if you’ll accept my love
(because i wouldn’t want to
do anything
without consent)

Love(?),
HJ

~~~

My Dearest Void,

Working under the assumption
that you’ll accept my letters
(you needn’t accept my love,
not yet),
i’d like to let you know
that being a human
is pretty hard sometimes.
How is it being
The Void?
Do people get upset at you,
like i once did?
Or are people learning
to trust in you,
to speak gently,
to respect you
and your ways
fully?

Hope to hear back from you
soon,
HJ

~~~

Hi Again, Void

Just wanted to say hello.
That’s all.
Nothing expected.
Nothing to be returned/reciprocated.
Just a hello/
a greeting
to you,
My/The
Void

~HJ

September 2, 2022

i knew
i know
it’s the beginning of the month
i knew
i know
it’s the second
(because it’s our dog’s 8-month birthday!)
and my brain put these two knowledges together
and wrote at the top of this page
‘august 2’
like we’ll just cycle through
august
continually

and when i told Kip this story
and insinuated
‘forever august’
we both said
‘no thank you!’

~~~

do you ever read a book
and can feel your mind expanding
your brain re-forming
its old opinions
and ways of thinking
into distinctly new ones?

i’m now on my second of two such books
within a month and a half time-frame
and while i will admit
to it
being quite exhausting
it is also invigorating
enlightening
(obviously)
and exciting

and i feel kind of bad
for people who never experience such
fast
observable
growth
of self

~~~

have i been able
to feel stable
to feel calm and at one with the universe
this past week
though i’ve missed
at least half
of morning poetry
because of the book i’m reading
and its meditative quality?

or is my default
when stress arises
simply to externalize calm
for others around me
but recently
that calm has infected the inside as well?

or am i simply able to
deal with stressors more easily
because of healthier coping mechanisms
and weekly chats with a good therapist
and daily low-doses
of a pill
that works?

or maybe all three?

September 1, 2022

i didn’t know
how much i was looking forward
to
spooky season
i didn’t know
how much
i needed
the halloween lofi
in my life[fi]
i might hazard
a guess
that this fall
i might even enjoy
the changing colors
and cooling breezes
and falling leaves
and season changes

but one thing’s for sure
i’m super stoked
to see skulls and bats
and skebletons and black cats
and ghosts and spiders and creepy shit
out in the real world
(not just inside our house)