Month: January 2022

January 21, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

what’s it like
to know what you want
day to day?
week to week?
year to year?
life to life?
[i wonder
and ponder
my own life through)

or

what’s it like
to see so few choices
that the choice seems
obvious
to you?

decision paralysis
is a subject
i’ve written abut before
(and thought/think about
damn near daily)
and yet
the subject
never seems
‘done’
to me.

(but maybe
it’s a combination
of regular decision paralysis
and the big choices i’m stuck on
that bleed into the littler ones:
my indecision
about my own career
(minus the big reasons i’ve chosen acting,
which is also a way to feed the paralysis;
acting has in it
the opportunity
to be
every career
with
every character),
but within that big choice
i get stuck on
what i want to wear
day to day
or what music
i’d like
to listen to…
but/because there are other things
i know
i like
and want:
i love all animals,
and rainbow is my favorite color,
and kindness i hold above all,
and coffee is the best drink (besides water),
i’m always in the mood for
bagels, indian food, or ice cream,
and i know i need balance in my day-to-day choices:
too much of socialization
will lead to needing a lot of alone time to re-charge,
and similarly,
too much solitary time on my own
and i begin to fall apart)

so, what is the conclusion,
or even the thesis,
of this poem?

is it simply that i can continue to be freaked out
by decisions
and the paralyses they induce,
but i should also admit
the duality
of the human spirit
and that i know what i want
far more than my paralysis shows?

or is it simply
to make a strong choice
and stick with it
(the lessons learned in improv class
so long ago)?

January 19, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

hold the cat
in your lap
quell her desire
to eat the dog’s food
replace it with a mad want
to get away
from love and cuddles
(even tho her purring
says at least some part of her loves this)
and quick,
before her leaping feet hit the ground
put the bowl of canine sustenance
somewhere even this hassle cat can’t reach
(and repeat)

~~~

this outfit
was
very cute
before i held the cat hostage
now it’s
really cute
with
tons of cat fur

~~~

write
and read
and read and write
and maybe
someday
it’ll end up feeling
[all]right

(as opposed to fake insight)

January 18, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

as i do more things
i feel like my mainstays
stay in the background
(so far back
that i forget if i did them
or not)

but they are habits/rituals/consistencies
for a reason
(and it is not the worst thing
in the world
to miss a day
or two)

so
stop
worrying
about it,
and stop
worrying
like there’ll be punishment
if some other thing takes a day
away

just because
physical exercise
has been added
and social classes
have continued
doesn’t mean
the morning poems will cease
or the language learning
will falter

there used to be
dozens
of things
in your day,
you enjoyed
filling
the day-lit hours…
don’t force it,
just
remember.

January 17, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

windy nights
and nightmares,
the storm of the century
(or at least of the year so far)
though probably no great catastrophes
or losses
except the loss of any restful sleep
and the catastrophes made up
in our minds:
big thuds
(was it real?)
giant wasps
(totally not real, right?)
and smart thieves using the sound of the storm
to cover any footfalls or break-in attempts
(logic says no one would want to be out in this
crazy
giant drip rain wet snow in the cold windy climate,
but boy do our imaginations
run away with us,
and our dreams take us
exactly to the place(s) we fear
most
and give us the fright
of our life
(or at least
of the night)
and now
everyone
[dog,
cat,
kip, and kip]
needs a nap.
)

January 16, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

out of order,
and with a bagel in one hand,
but i’m doing it,
following my dreams and desires
(at least as far as the
morning poetry is concerned)
and the lofi is bumping
(and i can’t stop thinking
of it being labeled
‘millennial smooth jazz’)
and even though i’ve written
at least one poem
over the last three days,
the fact that the posted poems
are older than 72 hours
makes this feel…stale
(and all i really want
is for my plants to be healthy,
so i suppose
i’ll cut this short
in order to care for the greenery,
and just write/just finish/just post this singular/rambly/imperfect
poem
and hope it’s close enough
for jazz
(or for lofi, as the case may be)

January 15, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i feel like i’m a the tail end of my creative flow
and i know
that’s not how it goes
it’s a well that never runs dry
but sometimes
the rain droughts or floods
and circumstances can dictate
more states
that i’d like
but, like,
why can’t i at least have some sort of
steady flow,
trickle,
a tickle
in my brain
would be better
than this blankness
that fills my mind
like a void
negating every possible
creative
thought
and turning it
to
stone
cold
static
over
and over
and over
again…

January 14, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

most other years
i struggle a bit with writing
the old year vs. the new
but typing i’ve always gotten used to it
just a wee bit faster

(indeed, last year, i could not WAIT
to add that tiny line
that indicated
the entire year of March
was finally done)

but i’ve gone multiple days
(near half a month)
this year
and keep forgetting to switch
that 1 to a 2

and…

is that some sort of omen???

January 13, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

i’m so nervous
about today
a new circus place
another chance to move my body
(how does my body move now?
now that i’ve had months and months off from any apparatus,
now that i’ve had over a year away from consistent, daily training,
now that the virus has changed every thing we do
now that the virus has not infected me, but the fear of humanity
constantly
doing wrong
that has infected me,
and i have symptoms daily:
a brain fog of unknowns of who may be smart
and who may be stupid,
tightness in the chest from seeing
that some
would rather sacrifice
[eugenicize]
the weak/old/disabled
as if they’re barely even numbers
(instead of whole human people),
the headache of suspicion that
there is a way to do this correctly
and our country/community/society
just
hasn’t,
the nausea
from knowing
that those in charge
worship money
before any worker
and that they think of people as pawns
to gather them more hoards of money
than they can do anything with in one lifetime,
and, of course, the whole body aches
of observing
the elected officials
i helped put into office
not being held accountable,
i want to hold them accountable,
but they aren’t even listening to those
more outspoken
more knowledgable
more persuasive in their passions
than i’ll ever be
so i’m left
with this
covid despair
this pandemic of existentialism
this disease of caring so much
that you circle all the way around
and start to care
not at all)

(but you do,
you know you do,
you’ve just numbed
the symptoms,
the disease is still
there.)

January 12, 2022

/ HJ / Leave a comment

{unknown}
what i want to write
{unknown}
what i want with my life
{unknown}
what decision to make from
a life
rife
with greatness
and gloom,
elation
and existential dread…

speak what my mind
wanders to wonder
about day to day,
week to week,
(second to second,
why am i always second in my actions
but the only thing on my mind?)

{experiment
unknown
until
something makes sense}