the fourth

the fourth the fourth the fourth
not even the day of her death
but her birth
so why does it hurt
like it’s 2001
and she doesn’t get to turn
40?
why does it hurt
like two years later i dreamt
she re-appeared, so full of life,
explaining it had been a test
to see how strong
i was?
why does it hurt
like i haven’t talked
and talked and talked and talked
in therapy
to partners
to my other parent
and parental figures
and myself
and even at her
about loss
and mourning
about denial
and anger
and bargaining
and depression?
but apparently i’ll never fulfill all the steps
because it hurts
and hurts and hurts and hurts

[and not every fourth is like this
but this one,
it hurts.]