do you ever find
imposter syndrome
just from living
from being
alive
?
[i do]
Month: November 2021
November 29, 2021
i’m feeling
settled
[not settling]
comfortable
in my own skin
in my place in life
content.
this is not an emotion i am familiar with
at all
but it’s nice to know it can come to me
every once in a while
(and maybe, just maybe,
this settled/comfort/contentment,
can propel me towards my next
endeavor.)
~~~
i feel like
i don’t do
Morning Pages/
Morning Poetry
the same as i used to,
but that could be ok.
maybe there are days when i need
to write/poem it out,
and those are the days when my word count
lands solidly into the mid-three digits,
and there are a few days when i know what i need to say
and one short poem
is all i need for the morning,
and then there are days like today
when i don’t need to write to figure things out,
but i’d like to write to
have something written
(and also because i’m figuring out how to be awake)
so i suppose
it’s all
alright.
~~~
someday
i’ll count all the hobbies
i’ve acquired
over the years
(and those with supplies
but no real forward movement)
but for today
i’ll say
i’m happy i have a spouse
who keys into my ever shifting hobbies
(and also flits in and out of their own)
so soon, this house will be filled with
wood whittling projects
and perhaps even a soldering pencil!
November 28, 2021
also
when driving
takes the joy
out of the date of birth
(but time is a mortal construction,
both you and your spouse agree);
celebrating
the next day
is perfectly acceptable
(and even encouraged)
November 27, 2021 (part two)
driving
on one’s birthday
(even when one generally enjoys driving)
is a bit of a let-down…
but at least
one can come home
to one’s loud and weird cat
and an ice cream cake for late evening
and general feelings of belonging
being back
in
new york city.
[home]
November 27, 2021
is it really
mon anniversaire?
is this really
la date de ma naissance?
it doesn’t feel like it
(nothing feels like anything anymore)
(but maybe it will
when we’re home again)
(after the drive)
November 26, 2021 (part two)
it always seems to be
the most uncomfortable room
that folks congregate into.
the coldest,
without squishy chairs,
(or distractions
from family
from conversation
from time spent together).
and we can’t help it
if
this is the room with the best table
for poetry-writing,
for programming,
and closest to the coffee machine
for an endless supply of
refills,
and the room where there is space
for projects,
for light saber lessons,
and where the view is the sunniest
and most green
November 26, 2021
there’s snow
snow outside
snow out of doors
snow dropping flakes
on my giant winter coat
designed with astronauts in mind
but it still can’t keep me completely warm
in Wisconsin Winters
and Northern Ohio Thanksgivings
and Pennsylvania Stays
but maybe,
just maybe,
when we’re back in New York
(the city)
the weather will be a bit more reasonable
and i can keep warm
and it won’t snow too much
and i can keep being excited about
NYC
instead of dreaming of
far-off
LA
NOLA
Costa Rica
places where my body feels
it was meant to be
(at least in the cold months)
November 25, 2021 (part two)
there are sad firsts:
first thanksgiving without big family
first thanksgiving without talking with my dad at dinner
first thanksgiving spent traveling
and then
there are the fun firsts:
first thanksgiving with Kip’s family
(first time all family and partners in one place at one time)
first thanksgiving solidly baking pies all day
(instead of just treating it like a social get-together)
first thanksgiving learning new traditions
(ones that the rest of the kids know so well they can recite lines from memory
before the muppets even start speaking)
and
first thanksgiving that i’m doing my best
to
appreciate family,
but hold them accountable,
and to remember the root of the ‘first’ ‘thanksgiving,’
and everything/everyone this country is built
on top of.
November 25, 2021
the parade
the family
the performances
the silly dancing credit cards
the soldering
the excitement
the traveling
the traditions
(new and old)
here i come
here we come
here i go
here
we
go
November 24, 2021 (part two)
Family means so much
to so many people
my genetic relatives profess
Family
as the utmost of all people
those who have your back no matter what
the only humans you can truly count on
(most of them still live within a thirty minute drive of each other to this day.)
my friends, my community, unaccepted within their blood kin
find Found Family
to love them
without reservation
without expectation
without conditions
and count on each other
i am lucky enough to have both
blood and non-blood relations
who love me
unconditionally
but that brings with it
division of time
of love
of feelings
of celebrations
(and it is only the Family from birth
who saw me grow as i did
which is sometimes a good thing
and sometimes a not so good thing;
and there are memories,
sometimes lovely
sometimes hard
when in their company)
but
there is an awfully grand sense of growing
when i am able to fully help with the labor
i only ever messed up or ignored
as a child;
and to be able to pass that on to
the children younger than myself…
that feeling, it’s
Indescribable.
kipventures 