October 11, 2021

it’s national coming out day
but it’s also
Indigenous Peoples’ Day
(formerly [that colonizer] day)

and so, for today,
for my tiny platform,
i’m going to remind the few folks that may read this
(that may not know already)

that intersections of identity exist;
and i, a white queer,
will be quiet about me,
and hope you read the words of
queer people of color
(particularly those of indigenous and queer identities)
today
(and really every day)

(and maybe, on a different day, i’ll rant about how
queer people are so much more than their
coming out stories)

October 10, 2021

oh
no
i’m just here to
watch
observe
pacify my narrative stance
get only a glance
of the workings of humanity
then back to my hobbit-hole
to deconstruct the feelings
i observed:

there was anger
happiness
sadness
hope
the scope
of human emotion
is like a commotion
inside a cacophony
inside an explosion
and me, this entity of inquiry
cannot bear even one feel
bubbling to the top of their
chest/heart/lungs/brain
how do humans regain
control
of their larger selves
when their emotions run the show
so
constantly?

maybe
if i could name
my illogical passions
i could fashion some sort of
hocus focus
back into human-hood
but i cannot seem to seam the words together with the sensations
i simply follow the thought processes
and process
the thought
but the emotions
stay hidden
no light
just dark
so i keep looking
for the light
keep observing
the entities
who know how to emote
fully
freely
until that is me.

October 9, 2021

the stress
is starting to get to me
(even though i know
i’ll probably feel so much better
just writing the damn monologue,
or getting a damn shower,)
but i’m holding out
for…???
to feel actually grungy?
to feel actual inspiration?
i have other things on my to-do list
go through headshots
write to some agencies
actually cut these damn fingernails
but the immediate
is
to make this house
a home
(and turn the apartment home
into just an apartment again)
and everything hurts
and everything’s exhausting
and i’ve split more fingers than i can count
just from the dry air
and yet
i’m actually happy/excited/stoked
for the general month
for the general year
the general life we’re building here
it’s just the immediate
that brings me
multitudes
of
stress.

October 5, 2021

spooky music
soothes my soul
[it really does,
though i may have poem’ed about this before]
and what began
as a
‘too tired’
‘still a little stressed’
‘ugh we have to deal with all these boxes now’
kind of day
has turned into a
‘skeletons are already up’
‘it’s spooky season!’
*bopping head along with music*
*sipping [[seasonal]] iced coffee*
‘look at all these books i get to organize now!’
kind of morning

October 4, 2021

we did it
(and only a few tears)
we did it
(and there’s really not that much left
to do
in the old place)
we did it
all our stuff is now in the house!

(how have we done this
four or five times already
and still stayed together?)

(i suppose that’s why people
look up to our love???)

October 3, 2021

so much
moving/packing/driving/stress
too tired to write
a real poem

so instead
i’ll convey to you
the most beautiful thing i heard today
directly after pulling in to our new home’s driveway
the final trip of the day
from across the street
at a new neighbor’s 6th birthday party:

child (somewhere between 8 and 10)
singing (while sprinting down a long driveway):
I BELIEVE I CAN FLY!!! I BE-
(the sound “oof” is heard)
(pause)
child (yelling reassuringly): I’M FINE!
(pause)
(pause)
(pause)
child (running back up the driveway toward the party)
(not quite as loud or exuberant as previously):
I believe I can fly!