decisions
preparing
discussions
excitement?
maybe?
~~~
all these silly
vague
hints
peek into my world
but don’t see
fully
~~~
do i write today?
do i post today?
do i wait today?
who knows?
(certainly not i)
Month: July 2021
July 20, 2021
am i so tired now
because my teen days
were 21 hours of manic waking
followed by three night-hours of insomnia?
[or is this still the insomnia,
just a whole new flavor?]
July 19, 2021
the morning
early morning
just woken up morning
was spent crafting
a thought
a poem
a contemplation
about acting
about anxiety
about newfound epiphanies in my head
but the regular
morning pages
morning poems
morning contemplation
meditation
time
was spent arranging
and planning
and father-talking
which is all okay
but suffice it to say
i’m a little off my poetry game
now.
July 18, 2021
let me spend my dream-days
in an old, abandoned greenhouse
let ivy cover the walls, windows, doors,
let the glass shatter, let windows stick open
so calming breezes can drift through,
and i can forget about the tick, tick, tick passage of time
let me spend my dream-days
in an old, abandoned greenhouse
let the art deco/art nouveau, detailing/glass/bars
be so extravagant
i’d feel out of place
if it wasn’t for the obvious abandonment everywhere
let me spend my dream-days
in an old, abandoned greenhouse
let it prove to me that nature doesn’t need people
to survive,
to thrive,
and maybe, someday, i can learn from it
and rise fully, independent of others’ opinions
July 17, 2021
an upset belly,
late bagels,
just talking,
not really writing,
animal croodling,
spouse connecting,
“concept”
kind of morning.
July 16, 2021
a kip home
a home for kips
the kippiest house to ever house a kip
but where/what/how is it?
~~~
do i feel better
(je me sens plus bien)
when i write in french
(quand j’écris en français)
because i don’t have to think as deeply?
(parce que je ne dois pas penser que profondément?)
–> est-ce que je me sens mieux quand j’écris en français parce que je n’ai pas à réfléchir aussi profondément?
~~~
someday
(maybe someday soon?)
i’ll get to create
the secret garden
of my dreams
July 15, 2021
i’ve started thinking
in poetry.
(even when i wrote in prose
every single morning,
i still only rarely would ponder in words;
usually as a way to plan out
how to describe a certain feeling,
or express a certain something
out loud
to another human being.)
but i’ve started having
words,
phrases,
in poetical form
pop into my head
riding the Q train,
pounding the streets of manhattan,
seeing the sun set
over Prospect Park
and i don’t know how i feel about this…
i, who have always felt some sort of
vindicated otherness
from not thinking in words
(as, i suspect, a slim majority of people do)
but it does bring me joy,
feeling more connected
to this art form.
July 14, 2021
once again
my frantic creativity
is failing me
this morning page time
and i know i have things i wanted to write about
and i know i have things i needed to write about
and i know i have things i could be writing about
but the sky feels grey, not blue
and the world seems tipped slightly askew
and i can’t conceive of how long this off-ness will last
(nor if it’s truly a case of of perception,
or if it could simply be a time of transition
asleep to awake
un-caffeinated to caffeinated
cat-lap-less to cat-lap-full
[and let me tell you, those claws in my legs sure helped me wake a little more])
so i suppose i’ll keep writing.
hoping things start making more sense,
hoping the coffee soaks its way to my veins,
pet this cat until my fingers find more words to write
(and forgive her when her affectionate head bumps a few letters out of place)
because this is my life;
i made it.
mine.
July 13, 2021
i have been filled
recently
with inspiration
true inspiration
flowing inspiration
from all over
and this morning
i had
*something*
i wanted to write about
to explore in words
to contemplate out loud
[on doc]
but it’s left me
dry
and i’ve hated everything i’ve started so far
so maybe a prompt is the way to go???
~~~
are poems of dreams
really more interesting
than a telling of that same
dream?
a prompt told me to write
out
a dream i remember
in as much detail
as i can remember
but here’s the catch:
my dreams
(like my thoughts)
are conceptual,
abstract
(at least in what i remember,
retain;
the dreams themselves are pretty mundane)
i remember
[maybe]
[possibly]
dreaming of the pants
i decided to wear today
deep pockets
large legs
flowing around
but still split
my nicknamed ‘gender euphoria pants’
because they are technically genderless
and anyone can wear them
it’s just a lot of people don’t
and i think my gender is not aligned
with the male or the female
the man or the woman
but instead
i’d call my gender
Cryptid.
(so anything that sets me
ever so slightly apart,
that makes you go “i think that was a human,
but i’m not entirely sure”
that’s me
that’s my gender
that’s my euphoria)
but i think i dreamed of these pants
reaching into the pocket
not finding the bottom exactly where i expected
and maybe there was something important there
and maybe i did eventually find it
and maybe there were other people/places/things inside this dream
but what i remember
are the pants
and the reach
and that’s it.
was that actually interesting content???
~~~
(i wonder if there are any of our animals
who are trans
and would rather be
“misgendered” by strangers
than have us
continually
“correct” them.
i think this might be why
i so rarely actually correct the stranger.
i’ll use the pronoun i know them as,
but not make a big deal out of it
(unless we’re at the vet
and it might affect the type of care)
but just in case
the animal gets some gender euphoria
every time a stranger
refers to them
by the “opposite gender”
than i know them as
i don’t want to come barreling in
with a correction
that is not
actually
correct.)
July 12, 2021
i don’t know why
it never occurred to me
to use my “weaknesses” as strengths
in acting.
i always pondered using my
quick-to-cry
sensations
as a way to
trick
my body
into crying on cue
but that never worked
and i think the key word there
is
“trick.”
i consider my passions
my caring too much
my crying when i’m frustrated
as the “bad” parts of my personality
mostly because they do get in the way
of living a normal life
but i don’t live a normal life
i’m an actor
and rather
than trick my subconscious
into using the base reactions
of my weaknesses as strengths
what if i actually and fully used my whole “weaknesses”
as my strengths?
i’m passionate,
so passionate,
i sometimes can’t decide
on which side
i align
(i solidly stand on the side of progress and compassion,
but with so much wrong with the world,
it’s difficult to concentrate
on just one issue,)
so i so often feel
overwhelmed
and lost
and without an outlet to create actual change
and i often force myself to try to decide
on just one
but
i’ve always considered my social justice life
and my acting life,
while influenced by social justice,
separate
(unless i’m performing in a thing
that is aiming towards creating
social changing)
but, just like i need to stop expecting
neurotypicality
from me
i also need to acknowledge that
as a queer, nonbinary, trans person
my existence holds in it
social change,
and my performing
any script
holds the passion
for some of the social change
of which i seek
and i know what my body/brain/mouth/soul feels
when i discuss a topic
about which i care deeply
and i can take that
and bring it
to other topics,
and i can cater my auditions
to those where passion is forefront
not to change my weaknesses into strengths
but to acknowledge
that all the things i thought were weak
are in fact
so
damn
strong.
kipventures 