June 24, 2021

those who
decide to
or decide not to
have actually made a decision

those of us who
stay in the middle
are doomed to
stay in the middle

~~~

it’s always interesting
to be clued into
another family’s drama.

i’ve only ever been privy
to a few sets of families
but whenever it happens
i feel like an uninvited audience member
to a preview
where the actors aren’t ready
and break character
more than they stay in

and no matter how much i try to tell myself
they’ve invited me here
i’m a part of the family now
i’ve married in
legally
i’m in

i still can’t help
but feel as though
i’m
intruding.

~~~

now i’m becoming worried
of writing too much
of being too real
too honest
for this little experimental experiment blog

when
when
when
did i switch from feeling too fake
and too impersonal
and wanting to be more honest?

[is it just the subject matter i’m worried about???]

June 23, 2021

another adventure
another setting out
this time for something
not quite as happy
but hopefully fulfilling
and connecting
and kind.

~~~

there are studies
that show
the earlier you deal with death
the better
(or so much worse)
you are at handling any death
as an adult.

i solidly fall into the second category,
my brain short circuiting whenever death is present
whenever someone is grieving
my go-to comfort is
to leave them alone.

but when you’re not a pre-teen
figuring out exactly what you need,
most folks would opt for connection
for a few words of comfort
not alone time.

so
after months of watching back episodes of
“Ask a Mortician”
and
reading her books
and
listening to her podcast
i’ve figured out a better way of dealing with death:

i ask the grieving person
what their favorite memory is of their loved one.
i specify they don’t have to share with me,
(but i’d be happy to hear if they choose),
but to simply think of their favorite memory.

i’ve only had two opportunities to use it so far,
but both felt connective,
kind,
and i felt useful
(all i really want to feel anyway)

so,
anyone grieving,
(or having gone through grief),
what’s your favorite memory of that person?

~~~

our dog
staring at her food
for minutes upon minutes
as if she’s having an existential crisis

(what a way for the universe to show us she belongs with us)

June 22, 2021

in that strange way
i’m feeling very much a certain way

a solid emotion?
[that never happens;
i am a master intellectualizer]
i suppose my one emotion
is the burgeoning of emotions.

in therapy i’m asked
‘how does that make you feel?’
and i can follow my thought process
what it makes me think of
the connections i make with past/present/future
but emotions? what a laugh.

[is my go-to coping mechanism no longer humor?]

intellectualizing is a fine coping mechanism
for someone not trying to actually get in touch with their emotions
but as an actor, i’d like to have a whole toolbox to play with
not just ‘all good emotions’
not just ‘all emotions that aren’t too tough’
not just ‘all emotions that don’t make me feel out of control’

my biggest fear is going crazy, losing control on my concept of reality
and if i let the ‘bad’ emotions in, how will i ever be able to stop them?
how will i stay in control of where/who/what i am,
when i feel like i’m a pre-teen and in Ohio and totally out of control
when i feel even a shadow
of those feels

i know i should
i know it’ll be good for me
i know i won’t lose touch with all of reality

but that doesn’t make it any less scary.

June 21, 2021

none of my poems
this morning
have a beginning, middle, and end.
some have one, or two, but none have all three
and i am unsure
what to share
on this morning
of
false starts
and half-thought theses
and distractibility
[by grammar
by emails
by cats
by other concepts entirely]
so maybe…this is the ending i’m looking for?

June 20, 2021

though we all loved the green
and the adventures
and the folks
we saw last week
(Louka especially)
i, for one, feel more myself
with this particular cat
back on my lap
once more.

~~~

motion alarms
sometimes useful
sometimes just a bee
trying to say ‘hi’

~~~

ranked choice voting
is here
(the giant booklet tells us)

early voting ends today
and though we will still be in town
for the actual election
we’ll probably vote early

because who knows what’ll happen on tuesday
but at least we know that
we’re free today

June 19, 2021

hiking up Machu Picchu
elevated
inclinated
[yes, i know the word “inclined” there would be fine]
my breath failed me
over
and over
and over again

i learned that “possibility of very slight asthma”
that i was diagnosed with
in childhood
really hits you
when the air surrounding you steals your lung capacity.

i was never good at cardio
even now that i’m more fit than i ever was as a child
i dread anything that gathers my heart rate into higher levels

so though i love walking around nature,
the concept of “hiking” only brings joy to my heart,
until we are no longer on level ground.
inclines remind me of the never-ending upwards motion
when my lungs gave out
(but we had places to be
and a time to be there by)

but hiking through the park yesterday
a small amount of incline
to get to a nice picnic area
surrounded by shady tress
i did ok.

(it shouldn’t be surprising
DC is not nearly as far above sea level
as Cusco,
but any upwards movement
comes with a great deal of apprehension)

and i did ok
and we all did ok
(just ok, we could have done better,)
and both my spouse and i
commented
on how four flights of stairs
for the last year and a half
should make us better at hiking up inclines

but it sure does not.

June 18, 2021 (part 2)

who really is
good
at goodbyes?

~~~

when i visit new places
i associate certain parts of them
with places i’ve been before

“this area reminds me of the east side of Madison”
“this one gives me big Toronto energy”
“well, this is like if Milwaukee and Cleveland had a baby…”

on and on,
until i see something truly unique,
or i’ve been there long enough
to associate it with itself.

~~~

stomach aches
is it packing stress?
is it travel anxiety?
is it getting back into the “real” world?

or is it the apprehension of expectation for more adventure
now that we’re both vaccinated and activated?

June 18, 2021

fixed the coffee maker
got so excited
messed it up a different way

new mistakes

~~~

interesting that i poem
about the banal
when i wish for such adventure
in my life

is it simply because poetry
is usually more introspective
than not?

(unless, of course, we are talking old school,
whole story,
epic poetry)

or is its because
i want to get a bit better
and poetry-ing
before i go on such excursions
with words?

~~~

of course
(of course)
i cannot have a short poem day
with only two.
the third poem is what
ties it all together
and makes my anxiety
settle down
(just a bit)