why does my soul
and heart
and body
ache for adventure
when my brain
and my eyes
and my entire psyche
long to nap until i might feel
truly
awake again?

do i really need to rest until i feel up to adventuring again?
(not that many adventures are happening right now, in the time of the ‘rona)
and if that’s the case,
is this the indication that,
even though my days are spent lazing around
doing ‘nothing,’
that ‘nothing’
isn’t as relaxing as i once thought?

i’ve been made aware
that resting while feeling guilt about resting
is not truly resting.
is this why that,
even though i’ve been alive
twenty-seven plus years
i don’t know that i’ve ever felt truly rested?
because, whether i’m performing ten shows a week,
or have literally nothing on my schedule
for the foreseeable future,
i always have these murmurs of
“i should be doing something”
“a nap would be nice right now…”
“i should be doing something”
“maybe i could just close my eyes for a hot second”
“i should be doing something”
“another coffee, maybe?”
“i should be doing something”
“why doesn’t this wake me up like it used to?”
“i should be doing something”

or, i suppose, that exhaustion could simply be the
depression.

whatever it is,
it’s low key,
i know people/friends/acquaintances/family
with invisible illnesses
with constant pain and exhaustion
that does not leave them alone
that requires them take a nap
as soon as the feeling hits them,
that forces their eyes closed
which no amount of coffee or energy drink or caffeine pill or anything
could ever prevent.
mine is not that.
it feels like a quiet undercurrent,
some days i can ignore it so much, it goes away
(usually when i’m busy with other things)
other days i do end up napping on the couch for over an hour.
but it’s a whisper
not a shout
it’s a gentle tug towards sleep
not a full out body slam down onto whatever surface is nearby
it’s the existential exhaustion of being alive
in a world that kind of sucks
and your anxiety never lets go of your awareness of it.

it’s probably the depression.